Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
