Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
