Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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