Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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