she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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