dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
