I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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