The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
