hell yes lets make some ravioli
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
