i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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