Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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