Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
