it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
