I'm lost and stupid without you.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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