She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
