you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
