When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
