Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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