and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
