i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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