M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
