Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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