your parents love me but you hate me
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
