I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
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