Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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