im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
