the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
