I wish I only lived at night.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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