I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
