Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
