i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
