every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
