pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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