My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
