I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
