When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
