I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
