I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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