I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
