Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
