I just made out with a guy for $7.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The best revenge is premature balding
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
