I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
