i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
