Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Help. Why am I so naked?
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