You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
