I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
