I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
