i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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