Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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