Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
